


gravity

by lumierenuit



Category: Erkenci Kuş (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-09 07:18:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18633427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lumierenuit/pseuds/lumierenuit
Summary: can's perspective from the first scene of ep. 40





	1. Chapter 1

She was just sitting there.

It was as if she came straight out of a painting. The way she was sitting, perched on the side of the dock. Her brown hair so much longer, so much freer, so much more different than what it once was. The black shirt and orange skirt were like flames and charcoal painted against the blue water, making her stand out like fire in the middle of the sea. But she always stood out no matter what to him. He always found her, would find her, could always tell where she was and where she wasn’t

And here she was, just sitting there.

Her head tilted up in a way that made it clear she wasn’t aware of his presence. She was distracted by something, some thoughts that took over her mind so deeply, that she was looking at everything, everywhere, but what was right in front of her.

He didn’t know what to do.

He had stopped in his tracks when he first saw her. Barely breathing, he blinked a few times, thinking that maybe this apparition would disappear, that this hallucination would fade away, this illusion would slowly let him go, just like all the ones before.

But she stayed, still looking around, still sitting right there.

He slowly took a step onto the dock towards her, each step kicking up his heart rate higher and higher. There was no plan, no clue on what he was going to say, if he was going to say anything at all. But he was being drawn to her gravity again, like he was just another planet brought back into her orbit and she was the beautiful, bright, burning sun.

She turned her head toward the sound of his footsteps and he stilled to let her drink his presence in. It was like he could see the moment she saw him. But he also got the change to actually _see_ her. Her face, her beautiful face, had barely any makeup on it but it still took his breath away. Her neck was adorned with necklaces and seeing the way she so carelessly let her hair hang down, let it breeze with the wind made him long to touch it, to caress it in the way he hadn’t done in forever and a day.

The second her amber eyes met his dark ones, he felt lightning strike into his heart, bringing it back to life. It shuddered back to being, to moving, and it was as if he never even realized he hadn’t been alive, truly alive, before he saw her again.

Her head slowly turning away from him hurt him in a way that he didn’t think was possible. But then he noticed the way she was shaking, suddenly so tense, so clearly upset at seeing him. He thought he caught some fear, some sort of pain, some sort of guilt, maybe even panic, more than just sadness in those eyes of hers, but he couldn’t be certain.

She had gotten up so quickly, her head down, her gaze so fixed on the ground below. She was hurting. Her desperate, rushed walk said that as much. He called after her, not once, not twice. By call three, she stopped moving and with trembling hands and a fraught look in her eyes, she stopped moving and faced him. With hands and arms drawn to her body, almost protectively and with eyes that were somehow broken but still so, so bright, he knew she was just as lost as she was with seeing him.

Walking towards her, he took cautious steps, giving her the chance to walk away if she wanted to. He let her make that choice, always let her have that choice because when she chose him it was always the best thing in the world but when she didn’t –

She tilted her head, a soft but scared look. Like looking at a stranger, like looking at a ghost. To Can, it was like looking at a mirror, seeing how he must look like to her. They shared the same tears in their eyes, with the same confused, hurtful, regretful, angry things running in their minds as they just took a moment to look at each other again.

_Is this really you? Are you really here? Are you real? Can you see me? Can you – will you just let me be with you? Would you ever be with me again?_

But then he did the one thing he wanted to do the most, the one thing he had been dreaming to do for the last year, the one thing he wished he could’ve done one last time.

He reached to hold her hand.

 _Come here_ , he seemed to say, _come back to me, and never leave me again. Never let me leave again. I never want to be without you._

Slowly reaching out to her in the way he did a year ago, he said it again and again, _I want nothing more in this world than to simply hold your hand. If we can just hold each other again - if we can just do this one thing - we can do anything. Because I am still me and I hope, I pray, I dream, that you are still you. That you are still mine. Because I have never been anything but yours. And if you let me hold your hand again, I promise I won’t ever let it go._

And for a beautiful second, she lets him. She lets his hands trace her wrist so lightly, so gently, so softly, like a whisper on her skin. She even leans into his hold and he felt his world suddenly standing still – no, not standing still – it was as though he was off balance for the last year, and it wasn’t until he held his girl’s hand that he was upright again, that he finally had something to keep him standing still.

Until something changes inside of her. Something that wakes her up and pulls her back.

And she’s shaking again. God, he hates that he can see that she’s crying, that she is hurting because of him, because of them. Her eyes hold back tears that threaten to spill over, looking at everywhere but him and it took all the power in the world for him not to reach out and hold her anyway. And he almost does. But then, with a shattering breath and her beautiful voice, she speaks to him and she asks him the questions he doesn’t know how to answer.

“Why did you come? Why are you here?”


	2. she used to be mine

_why did you come now? why are you here now?_

He stood before her like a statue. No – not like a statue. He was an illusion. He wasn’t real. He was one of her daydreams come true. Another one of her nightmares that followed her through into the real life.

And he was so beautiful, it broke her heart all over again.

He had his hair out and down in a way that she always had wished for. She couldn’t count how many times she dreamt of running her fingers down the strands of his hair, of slightly pulling them, of dragging them through and letting him look her in the eye while she slowly leaned into giving him a kiss and –

But that was before. And this was after.

After she said some things she regrets, and things she didn’t. And after he left her and never came back. Never answered her calls. Her emails. Never even looked back when he left her behind that day in the hospital.

This was after he told her that she was the most precious thing in her life. That he would never run from her. That he would always be by her side.

And this is after she had cried until she could no longer breathe. Until she couldn’t remember how to dream anything besides of him. Until she couldn’t see anything but him leaving her over and over.

And here is now, standing before her, looking at her like _that_.

There were tears in his eyes, his long hair moving with the soft breeze. She couldn’t help but notice how worn out his shirt and jeans were, his sweater carelessly hanging on to dear life on his shoulders. It was clear he had lost some weight but he was still so strong, and yet he looked so weak, so vulnerable before her.

She didn’t know what to make of it. Why did he come here, she asked, why now? Why and what could’ve possibly possessed him to come back? Who could’ve brought him back here?

_And why wouldn’t – why didn’t – he come back to her? Why wasn’t she enough for him to come back before?_

_Why now?_

He had reached out for her hand. He had looked at her in a way that she thought she understood, in a way that made her feel more than anything else in the past year, and for a second, she slipped back in time. To back when she was just a girl in love, a girl who believed in him, a girl who never said such harsh things, a girl who was imperfect and messy but she was still happy and kind and believed in the good in the world. She slipped back into a moment that was something so much simpler, something that was once beautiful, that was out of a dream, a fairytale.

And then she remembered fairytales aren’t real.

So, she came back to real life. came back to herself. To the loneliness and pain, all the things she had to learn after he left. She came back to the after because she didn’t know him anymore. She didn’t know how long he was in the city for, how long before he disappeared like the wind again. He once called her like the wind, always running away, never staying long enough for him to hold in his hands.

If she was the wind, he was the tornado and when he left, he left her, left everything, destroyed.

She remembered thinking that day that he had just left for the night, that he wouldn’t have gone just like that. She had thought he would be home when she went to see him next day. And then maybe at the office. And if not, then at the mountain house. And maybe at the docks. And then when he didn’t show up the first few days, she kept cycling through each of these places, kept trying to reach him in every way possible. But she was met with silence, just like she was right now.

So she asked him again.

“Why did you come? Why are you here?”

When she received nothing but a stare, she knew she had to move because if she didn’t, the tears in her eyes would begin to spill and she didn’t know if she would be able to stop them.

And so, she walked away first because she barely survived the last time he walked away from her and she wasn’t sure if she would if he did it to her again.

But then, she felt a sudden pull at her arm, and she was spinning, and turning and suddenly she landed in his arms and with a soft but desperate voice, he spoke.

“Sanem, wait.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? writing this last night and then posting this like an hour before the actual episode comes out? more likely than you think.
> 
> i just thought it would be an interesting perspective to write from because my heart goes out to sanem in this situation so much even through the things she's said.   
> but thank you so so much for all the kudos and kind comments! it really means so much to me and I cant thank you enough!
> 
> also the chapter title was inspired by another sara bareilles song called "she used to be mine".

**Author's Note:**

> y'all ep 39 properly destroyed me and then the first scene of ep 40 murdered me so my ghost came back to write this scene from can's perspective because it couldnt not do it. I just want to applaud the acting of can and demet for all their incredible work in the last 39 episodes, but especially last night's because they really are incredible, especially in the first scene of ep 40 so this is dedicated to them! Also forgive me if this isnt that great, i wrote this at like midnight and needed to get my emotions out jfsdkfs
> 
> also this was written with sara bareilles' song "gravity" in mind, so if yall wanna cry with me, you should most definitely listen to it.


End file.
